I've been thinking about starting a new blog for months now. Over the years I've tried, unsuccessfully, to continue a blog for more than a month or two. Because that's one of my problems, I don't have much motivation for follow through. I'm hoping that this will be different, because this time, I really think I need this.
My oldest son turned four years old yesterday. Four. I still can't believe it. And in that four years, I have been a stay at home mom for a total of over three years. I went to school on campus part time for a short while after he was born, and I had one job for almost a year around the time that he was two. I quit that job just a few weeks before our second son was born, and I've been home full time with the two of them ever since.
Now I don't want to be misunderstood here, I absolutely love my kids. They are two of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I don't know what I'd do without them. That being said, being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and despite what some people say, it doesn't get any easier. In fact, I think as time goes on it gets harder, for me at least. Now don't get me wrong, I love this job, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love that I even have the ability to be home with my kids, and I have an amazing husband that works amazingly hard to make sure that I can. But I think I've come to a crossroads now where something needs to change, because as the days roll on in an endless blur, one thing has become clear to me: I am losing myself, and I desperately don't want that to happen. Bear with me on this, and allow me to explain.
Because neither of my children are in school yet, our days are spent mainly inside of our apartment, doing the same exact things every day of the week. Time tends to start to blur together when you live this way. Most days, I don't even know what day of the week it is. There are good and bad days, usually defined by whatever moods my children happen to be in. As I write this, my one year old is sprawled across my lap, screaming up at me. He's decided to start the terrible twos a little too early, and the last few afternoons he's thrown fits with attitude that could make a grown man cry. Those are the hard days, the days where I sit on the stairs and have a good cry myself because I just can't take it anymore. So I cry. And when I'm done crying I take a deep breath, get up, and try again. And then there are the good days, when everyone is happy and there are very few fits, and the kids (mostly) listen. The little one actually naps, and my oldest curls up on my lap and tells me that he loves me. Those are the days that keep me going.
My every day life is filled with toys, messes, dishes, dirty diapers, laughter and crying. I spend my entire day repeating phrases like "Don't hit your brother", "Please finish your food", "Yes I'll read that book for the fifteenth time", "Leave that alone", and "No, you can't have candy instead of dinner". And while it seems like there's really not much to it, it's exhausting. And somewhere in the mess of everything, I've realized that I don't really know who I am anymore.
I am a mother, and I am a wife. But who am I? I love being a mother, and I love being a wife. I love my family with every fiber of my being. But I need to find myself again. And not just for me, but for my family too. Because every day my sense of self slips further away, and its making it harder and harder for me to be there like I need to for my family. I'm stressed, I'm irritable, and I need a change. So this is the beginning of that change. I'm making a daily commitment to the goal of finding myself, starting with this blog. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and I need to look to that again. It's a scary thing to put myself out there like this, to be so vulnerable, but I know that I won't be able to hold myself accountable otherwise.
Life is messy. And I know that I am a mess right now. But the grace of God is never ending, and I know that through Him, I can find myself again.
Please follow me on this journey, if you want. I can guarantee that it will be messy, but I can also guarantee that it will be fun.
Kayla
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